I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
