I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
two words: eviction party
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Randomize
