she smelled like a LAN party
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
