she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
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