I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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