when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
Never joke about your clitoris.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
