It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
