There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
