mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
Randomize
