The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Randomize
