All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Is this like a preordered booty call?
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
