Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
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