I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
