you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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