she looked like the before picture.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
