is your mom at the bar?
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
