i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Randomize