I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
