ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Randomize
