I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
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