i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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