think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
