I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
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