If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
