Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Randomize
