Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
