I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
