I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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