Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Randomize
