During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
I'm bleeding and have questions
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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