I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
