i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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