I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
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