you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
