On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
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