The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
