And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Randomize
