The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
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