I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Randomize