Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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