so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Randomize
