if i can run in heels then i can drive
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Randomize
