I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
