Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
I intend to get homeless drunk
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
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