I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
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