i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
