Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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