I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
