if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
go do what you do best...puke behind churches
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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