We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Randomize
