I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
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