Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
