Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Randomize
