I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Randomize
