I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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