i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
