Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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