are you so shy because you have an std?
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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