she smelled like a LAN party
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
