WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
