I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
only you would photoshop your dick
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Randomize
