he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
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