I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Randomize
