Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Randomize
