Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
He shit in the fireplace
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Randomize
