So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
You're earring is so big in my mouth
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Randomize
