Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
The best revenge is premature balding
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
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