Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Randomize
