Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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