If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize
