I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Randomize
