I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
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